I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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