Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
