Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
