dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
