Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
