I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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