My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
