Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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