what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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