I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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