she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
