I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
