I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
