So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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