gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dating After Heartbreak
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.