my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
