All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
