Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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