things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
