Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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