i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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