He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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