Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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