My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
