True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
