Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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