my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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