if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
