Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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