Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
