i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
