I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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