my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
