come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
