the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
