If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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