Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
