Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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