Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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