When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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