Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
