It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
