i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
