You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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