My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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