I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
