My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
