have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
