just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
