I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
