Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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