If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
