My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
