I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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