I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
