just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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